a slurry of jumbled thoughts.

as of late i have been confronted with a slurry of thoughts, tears, realizations, confrontations, questions and hopes.

i have realized that i make decisions in partnership with Guilt.

jake & I bought a motorcycle today. in fact, at this moment he is driving his Suzuki V-Stom home from Minneapolis, MN. We've been putting this idea around for a number of months now. weighing the pros against the cons - setting into motion the ever developing conflict within regarding the stewardship of finances and figuring out what not only what works best for us, but what works best for His Kingdom. in reeling through the demons gawking and babbling in my mind i was given the discovery of that nasty "G" word - the word that keeps so me so often immobilized from objective decision making = Guilt. my affair.

i take short showers (most of the time) because my neighbors in Africa are dying due to lack of water. i don't buy "stuff" anymore not wholly inpart because i don't want to but because I can't bring myself to spend money in such a way when women on the corner of cicero & armitage sell their bodies, their spirits for just enough money to feed their children. widows next door are hungry because our promised social security is not enough for her to live on. because day laborers here in Chicago, IL only receive $50 a day. that's just over $18,000 if they work 365 days, no days off while their wives & children live without the paternal figurehead of their home. because every tues. morning cute messy men comb through our garbage cans looking for wood, cooper, and food.

this is how I believe I have in part trained my brain to practice discernment, conviction, discipline. In part out of empathy, in part out of pain, in part out of hope, at times out of conviction and because Jesus says to love your neighbor as yourself. now i have realized in part because of the guilt i feel and experience each day in response to making decisions, both big & small. for some reason, i feel a part of this entire messed up system i guess, and with my decisions i don't want to short change anyone. i'm not sure what balance will find it's way into a lifestyle of mindful comfort or cease the raging unquenchable restlessness that feels so deeply buried within the fibers of my spirit but i somewhat long for the day when i can walk into the corner store to buy a loaf of bread and not think about how much better that money could have been spent of feel like i should give that money, in equal amount, to someone who really needs it.


what i do know is this, i am no different than each and every man and woman i talk with each day either on the street corners, around the neighborhoods or at Garfield Counseling Center. each day i find myself within the presence of beautiful men and women whom i know i am no different from.

i am absolutely no different from Sofia whom uses heroin as means to stitch together the deep sever of loss and grief from loosing her two only children within three months of each other. her son from an accident and her daughter from an aneurysm. her husband left her not long after. she uses because no one has yet given her permission to grieve. she needs, she longs for a friend to rest with. heroin is the perfect choice.

I am absolutely no different from Willy who has two college degrees. one in pharmaceuticals. the other in computer science. diagnosed with cancer six years ago he was forced to quit his job as a phar. sales rep. soon after he found out that he had congestive heart failure. his wife left him. he later began to experience symptoms of depression, one of which is inability to fall asleep. he then began using heroin. it was the only thing that would bring him rest.

Ruby grew up in the projects and in her words, "in a home and community of extreme violence." raped, molested, shot at, tied up, stolen from, pregnant at age 15, two children at age 17, dropped out of h.s. because her mom refused to care for her children, physically, sexually & mentally abused by her common-law husband for 17 years. of coarse she uses heroin. she now has HIV is homeless and lives off Jesus. she loves Jesus. I am absolutely no different from her.

some may question my sanity when they read that i believe that i am no different than Sofia, Willie or Ruby. because let's be honest today - i am different. i was given the tools to be different. my parents raised me in a home and community which was different. i attended a school and a church which opened my eyes to difference. yet - i know, without question or hesitation, that if i were in their situations, growing up within their homes, their communities, their schools and churches, i would have seen no other choice than to deal with loss, pain, guilt, grief or even joy & celebration for that matter, without heroin, alcohol, cocaine, marijuana, sex, potato chips or pop/soda. i digress.

so here is to gratitude. gratitude for an education and home where knowledge was nurtured and growth was encouraged. gratitude that despite my unfaithfulness, God has continued to pound His unceasing heart within me. gratitude that despite these demons dancing within - i know they are dancing within a transparent cell of serenity in which guilt can be nurtured and used as a temporary means for growth toward a deeper relationship with Christ, a deeper relationship with my neighbors, my clients and these beautiful radiating children.

endnotes:
pict. 1 - the kids couldn't handle getting their hands dirty and at first were making their way to the sink in between ever hand dip into the pumpkin to clean it's guts out. we stopped this madness after the third or so hand washing. kids these days!
pict. 2 - the final result, this really should be at the end. oh well.
pict. 3 - yummm. a gift form the rents - a handwoven basket from Ghana filled with squash & apples.
pict. 4 - jake & ethan. i think it may not be an exaggeration to say that possibly jake enjoyed gutting the pumpkins at first more than the kids.
pict. 5 - they finally got what it's all about. afterward i spent approx. 15 mins. cleaning pumpkin off the walls, chairs table & floor. we're still finding seed scattered about.

i got bit by a dog this afternoon.
first time in my life.
oh dogs.

so. i hear that there are some of you who continue to check in and watch this silly platform we stand on. you've been waiting a long time and nothing has happened. at least you know about jermaine though, and his allergy to chocolate.

yes, we are still here.
yes, we both have full-time employment (jake + 1/2 time).
yes, we are finding ourselves wicked occupied with lovely children and delightful neighbors.
yes, we are enjoying finding people we can do life with.

and because of all of the previously mentioned entertainers of time juggling through the air, no, we have not been writing. evidence provided by the date below in the last up-date.

i have to share with you though - i hate not having written to each of you in so long. i hate the distance of time that has passed since last up-dating you on the happenings not only in our life together but in the lives of our neighbors. john & elena. eddie & nora. pedro & abuela. edgar, eric, giovanni, jeremy, ethan, jermaine, kaylanie, destiny, justin, serina, kayla, stephanie, andre, etc. lani & pablo. grandma & irene. i wish that i would make the time to be more diligent in sharing their lives with you. their lives are worth talking about. much more than mine.

john & elena are doing well. now that summer is fading they aren't outside as much, i really just need to take some time and knock on their door. regardless though, they both claim to be doing well and keeping busy exchanging broken coffee grinders (elena) & trying to stay out of elena's mentally challenged son's path (john).

yesterday eddie spoke with one of the christian missionary girls who come into the inner-city from hammond, IN to "save" people and recruit them to come to their church (one hour on a bus) on sunday mornings. eddie asked one girl if she thought she was a better lover of christ than him because she was part of a congregation on sunday morning and he likes to stay home and watch football. she was silent. he asked if she thought god loved him less because he does not go to church. for all reports, she remained silent. eddie shared with her a fraction of his life and showed her the tattoo he has on his chest of Jesus with text, "only God can judge me." the missionary girl asked for his forgiveness. he accepted. she asked him if he would come to church with her after football season. he shared then basketball season would begin. she inquired about after basketball season. he said yes, in july he will go. we told him we'll be his date. later that afternoon eddie invited us up to his apartment. he wanted to show us something. in his bedroom, with pictures of 3/4 naked girls strewn about the walls, directly before his bed was a shrine set up with crosses, pictures and literature he had been given in prison. the picture alongside adored the center of his sanctuary. he shared how and why he can relate to this picture so deeply. he then led me to his devotional and showed us some verses by which he tries to life his life by. he had made notes & stars, lines & highlights by them all. eddie knew where to find what he was looking for. he had poured over this book daily as all evidence shows. he asked me if i wanted to take his book home to look over it. i told him no thank you, i didn't want to take his book away. he insisted. i asked him if he wanted to take out the sheets of paper inside on which he wrote notes. he said no. i told him i was going to read what he had written. he said that would be okay.

i am sure that eddie loves, trusts & understands the love of Jesus more than I could ever comprehend. I still have to battle the demons within me that tell me if i cuss Jesus is angry.

here is eddie though - ex-convict, 3/4 naked women hanging in his bedroom, street "square" selling, lost, found, redeemed, joyful eddie who gets the love of Jesus, knows scripture and exercises forgiveness consistently.

i hope to become more like eddie i think. aside form the 3/4 naked women hanging up in my bedroom - i think he is most whom Jesus would like for me to be. i think.

ugh - i got carried away. later, more on those mentioned above. until then...

Jermaine

...is allergic to chocolate. not necessarily allergic but rather, when he eats too much he has serious, in his words - "dookie". I say diarrhea.

a number of weeks back we had a cookie making party for the neighbors. i want the kids to know their neighbors and likewise. i want them to gain an appreciation for each other and their life together. therefore, we bake cookies together and give them away (p.s. this photo is two years old, but Jermaine is so cute in it).

throughout the cookie baking process each kid was given permission to eat two cookies each, double chocolate chip cookies (cake mix recipe of coarse). Ethan smeared more chocolate on his face than took inside his mouth. Destiny snatched her two up and made her way into the computer room to read. Kaylanie, the ever more becoming pacifist, helped mix the batter, took her cookies and decided it was time to leave. Jermaine grabbed his two, sat at the table and enjoyed each bite as his looked out the window and gazed. i, on the other had, got a bowl of bran flakes and began munching as i made my way around - watching and kissing all of the wandering hands throughout our apartment. Preventing what i could like play-dough being mashed into our carpet and letting go what in the long-run simply just doesn't matter, like kids sneaking extra cookies from behind our backs.

each little child asking what i was eating and if they could taste. with excitement in my breath i answered with a resounding "YES!" and preceded to tell them what bran flakes were, why they are good for you, what fiber is, what food fiber is found it etc., and in the end offering them a little bit of knowledge (because they like to talk about this stuff) that fiber does indeed help you go dookie when it feels like you need to go but can't. i told them apples help you go dookie too. they laughed, fell on the floor laughing and preceded to eat up the rest of my bran flakes.

upon returning back to the kitchen i saw that Jermaine had eaten his two cookies and noticed a couple more gone. oh well - thinking he'll understand tonight why he should listen and why it's important to obey.

well he did experience the consequences of eating too much chocolate, he did indeed. The next afternoon when i went to pick him up Coco, his "dad", told me he had diarrhea last night. i giggled, we talked about how it was probably from too much chocolate and i told him i would make sure no cookies were dispensed that day. he said okay.

when we returned to our home i pulled Jermaine aside and asked him how his belly was feeling. he said okay. i asked him if he had an serious dookie last night. he said yes. i asked him if he thought it was maybe because he ate too much chocolate yesterday. he said no. with a hint of surprise in my voice i asked, "you don't? why do you think you had an overflow of dookie then?" his response: "well, i didn't tell my mom this, but i think it was the bran flakes. i'm not going to tell her because i don't want to stop eating bran flakes."

giggling inside i kissed him, turned him around facing away, slapped his little butt and sent him into the living room.

i'm not telling her either.

how will we ever make time for work?

God is healing me, just thought you would like to know. sorry we're lame in continuing to provide up-dates, but life here has just settled and we're intentionally seeking to bask in it before the storm of employment begins next week - yes, next week.

presently jake bas been working mon. - thurs. evenings teaching at a local community college down the road. it has been such a blessing. enough to pay the bill with a little left over to spare. yet, being the stud that he is - he was offered a full-time position with Chicago Commons, one of the oldest social service agencies in chicago. he will be doing what he does best, teaching ESL full-time.

because we go everywhere together i was waiting in the car wednesday when he stopped by to fill out some paper-work. jake shared with his potential employers that i was reading in the car and they asked that i come up and meet the gathering crowd of employees (i believe 6 in total at his location). sugar, spice and sass were served up with a most warming welcome. God is so good.

i, on the other hand have been offered two jobs and will need to make the decision this afternoon by 12. one is with Youth Outreach Services as an addiction and life skills counselor for adolescents on the north-side - the other, with Garfield Counseling Center as a treatment counselor for adults at a methadone maintenance (mm) clinic located in West Garfield Park.

i think i'm leaning toward the mm clinic. it's where i'm feeling led to be - i believe personally it will be more challenging in so many different ways that i can feel my brain already start to take action, creating new ways of practicing and loving those I believe He loves best. I'm excited about the possibility of both but anticipating accepting the one that i feel best fits for where i'm at during this time of transition.

we've been so very much enjoying the time we have here, bathing in the conversations and opportunities for loving and being loved with our neighbors. Eddie, whose 9 years in prison and history of drug trafficking and use has lead him to take on the role as my addiction adviser, has been a God send. John & Elena, two hippies in their late 70's - well John actually is 70 while Elena is 79 with bright red dyed hair. we spent this past sun. afternoon talking on their front porch for hours and walked away with bags of fabric for crafts and "junk" they wanted to get rid of. p.s. Elena volunteers to work with the seniors at salvation army two days a week. yeah. Lani, a friend next door, started baby-sitting more to earn a little extra income, which is exciting. without papers, her ability to work is so limited. i've also met a great gal down the way... geeze louise, there are some many more most God given opportunities we have had... i must wait to share the rest.

and then there were kids. our numbers our ever increasing which is gladly leading to an increased contact with their parents/grandparents. Praise God! every day from typically 3ish to 7ish, our home and front porch are filled. in fact, yesterday Justin, who just last week told me i was ugly, stupid, amongst other choice words after i asked him to pick up the trash bin he pushed over, came over and asked when he could come over for dinner. I told him anytime. he asked if i would serve him ribs. i told him probably not. he asked about steak. i shared again, probably not. i loved him, he gave me a now & later and left. with a visible smile and kind words on his lips. in total, yesterday we had eight kids over. so many hands. so many feet. so much beauty.

the struggle - kids who don't have any boundaries, were born to mothers who smoke and drank when pregnant and the learning limitations that come with those two things. we're working on it, and thank God in the more pure sense for Jake. we trade kids often during homework time. lack of attention. lack of inability to care, listen and comprehend tasks makes it difficult at times. yesterday i almost lost it. Andre (5) pushed me, or truthfully speaking - i chose to be affected by Andre's behavior. I picked him up, had him put his shoes on, grab his unfinished school work and began walking him down the stairs toward home, where he wanted to go (to escape doing his homework for himself). mid-flight I sat him down, looked in his eyes told him (for my sake as much as his) that he was a beautiful child of God and lead him back upstairs. we finished our one page of homework, writing "G" & "g", one hour later.

so much work to do, inside me.

Google Earth

For those of you who know about such things and have Google Earth installed on their computers, you can go to these coordinates and check out a photo of Tatiwin, Morocco, Africa that we posted.

32.5912° -4.7651°

It is one of our favorite places, and we would like to share it.

Note: You have to have the "Geographic Web: Panoramio" checked as visible.

Jake

computers & celebration.

although i have a mind full of thoughts, questions and ideas that are just waiting for my legs to give out and my fingers to take the time and give them a voice. never-the-less, there are more important things in this life besides make-up conflicts, product snobbery, lack of socks, meeting jesus (literally) and successful interviews.

we have made the commitment to fast every from sun-up to sun-down, 9/23/07 - 10/14/07 in the name of our international neighbors (sponsored by Jubilee USA) as well as our immediate neighbors. our international neighbors are starving in the name of international debt. our immediate neighbors are being killed in the name of gang on gang territory wars.

edgar just came over. he is a 10th grader at our local high school, Kelvyn Park. he has been a friend of ours for a number of years and his family (Erik-13, Giovianni-5, Pedro-Dad, and Grandma-79) have been our refuge since moving back. recently we discovered that edgar, along with his friends, have been paying $3 an hour to use internet at the lab down the street. after some consideration we decided to set up a hopeful 2 computer (we only have one extra right now) lab here for edgar and friends to use for $2 and hour with the following promise - at the end of each school marking period they need to bring us their report card. if they get between a 3.5-4.0 they get 100% of their cash back. 3.0-3.5, 90% back; 2.5-3.0, 70%; 2.0-2.5, 40%; and anything under that - forget it. all monies that they do not get back will continue to be compiled into next marking periods cash. it's working well - after much initial cynicism, their locked in.

Lani lives down the street, doesn't have any papers and would like to gain an education but cannot due to her inability to pay for it without all of the gov. assistance one gets with citizenship. Although I haven't seen her in three days we're going to offer her one of our computers to take on-line typing (she wants to be an office assistant and/or computer tech.) classes, etc. we'll charge her $5 an hour with a full return when she needs to make the advance to take classes through a comm. college.

oh - there is so much more to share but the bread needs to be put in our toaster oven (it's our only oven), tomorrow is trash day - those who are homeless are out and about in our alley (ugh - edgar is reading over our shoulder and apparently is vehemetly opposed to feeding the homeless although jake did give him the invisible children DVD to watch the other day and he did. he has questions. good questions. he's growing up.) + we like to go alley shopping, and yeah - i have to get prepared for doing tangrams tomorrow with the kids, more-less Destiny.

oh man - i just introduced edgar to urban dictionary. nothing but bad news. i wish i was more like jake and taught him google earth - so much more productive and educational.

for/with some laughs and love.

Thanks to Cory on his Ramadan post last year here is a dedication to the beginning of Ramadan, sung to the tune of who really knows:

Ramadan time is here
the best time of the year.

fasting, not eating food
being nice, not being rude.

instead of watching movies all day
lets go to the mosque now and pray.

i can't wait to make my zakat
maybe 8 or twenty ducat

In honor though, of those who are more loving than us, we give you Rebecca & Hajo's thoughts on the beginning of Ramadan.

Here's how it went:

Arrival to Department of Human Services = 7:00am (we attempted to go yesterday but found cuddling in bed a bit too enticing)

Number of people in line at 7:00am = 15

Number of people in line at 8:00am when the doors opened = at least 75

Time waiting in line until application submitted = 1 1/2 hours

Time waiting to be called in by a case manager = 45 mins.

Number of white people in waiting room = three. us being two of them.

Number of minutes spent with case manager = 10

you ask...

Available for Medicaid? Nope. Gotta get knocked up, as Jacob says, before we are able to get insurance. so much for prevention America!

Available for food stamps? She wanted to go through it all and see but I told her not to worry about it. Too many people in the waiting room who needed it besides us. I didn't have the heart to take up their time and/or money.

So, you ask, what are you doing with all of your time?

Great question!

In addition to kids coming over basically everyday after school and doing homework/playing, I have been doing a couple home visits, tonight am going to a funeral for a dear woman who died on Monday and continuing the job search.

Ugh - the job search. I'm lowering my expectations and probably becoming more flaky as time passes. which probably means I'll be getting a job soon. Enshallah.

During the day though = Jake and I have been canning and preparing. Since Grandma (our neighbor) got hit by a car we have been care-taking her garden. Not wanting her to miss out on all of it's fruits (ha! ha!) we have been working to preserve some herbs, tomatoes, and beans for her return.

 
Boiling & Peeling

 









Processing

 











A snippet of the "before"

 









The unshelling

racism. sexism. & religion.

first = racism.

after now, officially, one month of unemployment, jake and i decided to bite the bullet and apply for medicaid and food stamps. not a big deal for us. we need health insurance. after one year of having our medical needs catered for over-seas where an appointment & prescriptions can cost a total of $10 - together, we know that being uninsured in the US is not a wise choice.

food stamps = wasn't truly on our radar. in fact - in all reality, we don't need it. yet, we are unemployed, often cooking and baking food for others (which we're not going to stop doing). food costs money - although very little money if you know where to go for the good stuff. it was at Pedro's suggestion that we apply, although according to the food stamp calculator - together we're eligible for a grand total of $70 a month. he assured us that we can get off of it as fast as we got on them. with the experience of applying, processing and having the ability to jump through some of the same hoops i often encourage others to jump through - we decided to go for it.

food stamps & medicaid. we completed the initial 10 page application (extremely simple to complete with only two members of the household who have no children, other household dependents, others forms of income, etc.) and this morning with optomism in my heart we jumped on our bikes at 8:10am to submit our requests and set up an appointment with a social worker (ahh. the idea of sitting on the other side of the desk). with the knowledge that it is post holiday with the first business day of the month, i had an intuitive feeling that it may be packed. and it was. jake sat outside with our bikes as i ventured inside. once inside a white handsome male asked me what i was there for, looked at me strangly when i told him, and pointed me into a long line in the waiting room for giraffes (hot! & humid!). yet, when i looked at the sign at the end of the line it said "appointments with case manager." since i was the last one in line i decided to check and confirm that i was indeed in the right line for submitting our application. instead of the cute, ear-pierced white security guard - a beautiful, actually, black woman was in his place. i apologized for interrupting (she was thinking - i think) and asked her what line i needed to be in to submit our application. she told me that they do not accept new applicants after 8:30am (it was 8:40am) and that we needed to get there in the morning at around 7:00am to get in line "like everyone else."

i had suspicions of her statement, but every organization has it's quirks and in the city of chicago i can see that this may be true. for social workers can only process so many applicants per day. there has to be a daily cut-off. yet, i pondered on our way home her statement, "like everyone else."

as we pulled up to our street our friend Eddie was sitting outside watching the construction crew tare up our sidewalks to help our backed-up sewer breathe. He asked where we had been and jake shared with him where we were and what happened. Eddie's response, "you were just the wrong color."

He continued, "play it by their game once, but if it happens again, go to the people over them. I don't think that what they told you was right."

tomorrow morning we'll see if the game is still in session.

now = sexism

*** graphic words contained in the following segment ***

last night we watched the movie "North Country," a movie about the first class-action law suit against sexual harassment. good. so good.

it made me wonder though, are there any women out there who have NOT been sexually harassed? Are there any women who have not yet encountered the gross disgust of men who get their kicks and giggles from sexually harassing women.

i have shared with jake, and now i'll share with you = there are three vivid moments i will not forget, in which i was the victim of sexual harassment. there was the time when i was serving and a cook looked at me and called me a "c**t" among other various and less than creative names.

then there was the christmas shopping season of 2003. preparing for gift giving i was pacing the mall, stopping by stores who presented to have enticing bargins, like those JC Penny "one time only half off" sales - that are held every couple months. yeah - those sales.

i had entered into American Eagle to prowse their clearance racks and spotted a couple of items that i thought my sisters would enjoy. since we are all relatively the same size i thought i would try them on to see how they would look and deem them worthy of purchase or not. packed dressing rooms proved to be the case and no attendant was on duty - only locked doors with potential AE victims inside and me (along with the 50+ some other shoppers in this small manipulative closet). i looked around and no rooms seemed to be available except one!

weary and cautious, since it was only a crack open i glanced below: no feet. i knocked: no answer. i opened.

inside was a naked man. a naked man perched on top of the corner shelf for purses or wallets, jeans or tops. a naked man getting his kicks from unsuspecting victims such as myself.

i wish i could say i was bold enough to confront the staff or even the mall security, but i wasn't.

i slammed the door shut as hard as i could, threw the possible purchases on the chair outside the dressing rooms and ran. i ran out of the store. out of the mall. out to my car. i ran.

four weeks ago my parents, jake and i were moving in. it was/is such a joyous time. to celebrate we dined at the local polish buffet and gorged ourselves in perogies, bacon wrapped this and that, apple and potato pancakes.

with full tummies and a heavy legs we decided to walk it off and see around the Polish Village. Our first stop: a small shop going out of business. good deals! my dad got a coffee maker for $10. us - cleaning supplies, paper plates for painting, toilet paper and a could latch-key tools. but there was so much to explore! the shop was a mess! everything was everywhere and there were corners abundant to explore! so that is exactly what i did - explore! i moved clothes racks, climbed over boxes and shelves, dug my way through masses of "stuff." i was not alone though.

a man i had seen perched outside of the polish buffet was following me back. i was aware. i wasn't in any danger - the store really wasn't that big. but i knew he was a creep and i was aware. it wasn't too long after i had given him "the glance" that he pulled out of his pocket an imitation of a penis. he looked at me, giggled it around, set it down next to me and left.

i gave him a look that made me sick to my stomach and stood there. i didn't tell me parents. i didn't even tell jake until a couple days later. i still have to wonder though, if i - i, jessica kathleen, am a victim of these three simple sexual harassments, how many other women encounter it on a daily basis, on a much deeper and consistent basis, and tell no one.

it's shameful for me to a degree i think. i'm not sure why, for "they" are the ones to be shamed. still... how many of us have experiences such as these and don't talk about it or stand up against it but flee from it, like me.

and for the grand finale = religion.

as you may have been able to pick up from previous posts - it's been a difficult time here. spiritual battles. emotional battles. mental battles. whatever.

but still - to my amazement (yes, i should have stopped being amazed at God years ago - but I can't seem to shake it) God has continued to be faithful. so faithful.

He has shared with me that I am not faithful nor willing.
i'm learning again.

He has shared with me that I am no longer free.
i'm learning again.

He has also shared with me this: "Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen." - 1 Peter 5:5-11

i opened my Bible for the first time in months. i'm sorry to all of those who thought i was better than that. i'm not.

and this is what he sent into my these eyes of dirty and avoidant flesh.

This passage has spoke more to me than what's simply stated in bold. yet, this is the promise He has given me to hold onto as jake and i continue to try and live.

it will only last a little while.

He will restore.
make us strong.
firm.
steadfast.

p.s. i had to interrupt this writing because some new kids just came and rang our doorbell (thanks Dad DeBoni). they played. i walked them home and just spent the last 1 1/2 hours talking with them, their family, a new girl i met and Eddie. God is growing and Jake's having left-overs for dinner tonight.

i'm not healing.

i thought this awkwardness.
this uneasiness.
these sudden emotional gardens of fury, loss, grief.
this broken walking stick.
unbalanced see-saw.
avoidance.
broken wave of essence.
raging self-forgiveness. injustice. fear. God.
stretching unknowns.
this broken swing-set.
shouting silence.
inspiring curse.

i thought this would all be over by now.
yet, i think it's just beginning.

two sundays ago as we were singing in church.
a song of freedom.
i heard jesus tell me i am no longer free.
instead under the burden of

joys.
pains.
faces.
voices.
touches.
visions.
memories.
witnesses.
anarchies.

i truly am no longer free.
i am hurt.
i am lost.
most all the time.

i need a healer.

p.s. please read my husband's posting below - it's much more enjoyable and truly needed for your eyes after reading my most udder bankruptcy. although i did in fact make myself laugh using the word "udder" instead of "utter".

chuckle.
chuckle.

Chainsaw work

Jess and I are a little down today. I got a solid rejection from the job that I really wanted, and still haven't heard back from that other job that would have been pretty cool.

Jess has had two interviews recently and she just didn't feel like the interviewers got to see the "real" her. They may have gone well, and she may get one of them, but the feeling of confidence just wasn't there. In her words, "I just wish they could tear my heart out and see it."

So, in that spirit, today I began looking for jobs in Alaska. Why not?

The best job description I have ever seen. Really, I mean it. I found it on Craigslist.org this morning. I could live forever with my job description looking like this.

Remote Flyfishing Camp Manager
Reply to: xxxxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-08-06, 3:59PM AKDT


Skills Required:
RELIABLE
Mechanical Skills
Operate Chainsaw
Firearms use and maintenance
Operate Jet boat
Hospitality
Personable
Be able to lift min 75 lbs
Must be able to work unsupervised

Excuse me? Did you say operate chainsaw, firearms use and maintenance, and JET BOAT in the same sentence? That job has ME written all over it!

Now all I have to do is get out of my part-time teaching contract.

Jake

Busy week on the block...

It was pretty crazy here over the past few days. Last Thursday we had some amazing storms that brought down over 1,200 trees in the area and killed power for many parts of Chicago.

Then on Saturday, just a few houses down the road, 2 homes burned completely down. I have heard two different stories, but both seem to contain a couple of the same facts. It seems that one of the houses was either grilling or deep frying something outside, but under a porch. When there was a flare-up it caught the whole back of the house on fire, spread to the neighbor's house as well as the garage. No one was too badly hurt from the homes, but a fireman was slightly injured when a power line fell on him while fighting the fire. The innocent house in the mix was also a day care service.

That same night we had a man (a husband and father) from the neighborhood shot and killed on the corner just a block away. Although the area has cleaned up, there are still problems. Regardless of whether or not he was involved with gangs or drugs or anything, his wife and his two children were not. It is a great loss.

And some still say, "that's just how it is in the city."

In good news, however, Jess and I have been meeting a lot of new people in the area. Some are on our street, and some are not, but they have all been pretty awesome people.

Life in the city moves on.

Jake

Macro:focus

I know we have had a lot of photos lately, but I guess we are just making up for all those times we did not have a nice, dependable, virus-free location to work from and post all the photos we wanted. We are really making use of this new internet connection...

Throughout our honeymoon and year of travel we have taken lots of photos. You have seen many of them here, or at least a nice, representative cross-sample. But one genera of photos that I have not really posted here has been of my macro focus work.

I call it work, like I'm a pro or something, but it really means that I saw something cool that was small, clicked on the macro function on my camera, stuck the lens up really close to the "cool something-or-other", and clicked the shutter.



I think the reason all of this work hit me a-new recently is that, in retrospect, that is what Jessica and I have done with our lives over this past year. And as I prepare to dive back into the photo archive and write stories that were forgotten over the past year, I need to be careful of my bias, skew, and view on everywhere we were and everyone we met.

For better or worse, through this blog, we have posted intermittent snap shots of the world around us in a macro-focus-kind-of-way. We treated every country unfairly because we could not express the true depth of anything we experienced.


Morocco got the shaft many times because we 1) only met a limited number of people, 2) had an even more limited grasp of the language, 3) shared very little of the lives of those who made the experience amazing, and 4) had some bad experiences that tainted our ability to view the country in an even-handed manner.


In India we were guests in a microcosm of disease, death, dying, and the natural reciprocal of that which is love, life, and the unexpected. How can we speak on any experience in India when 90% of what we saw existed in this little world? India is undergoing a major economic growth period, of which most people are not benefiting. But those who are benefiting, and those who have been doing well for generations know very little of this painful side of life. They live in sprawling cities, nice homes, eat good food, have lots of meat, talk on cell phones and drive BMW's.

Our experience reflects very little on this side of India, even though it is there. All we know is the other end of the spectrum; homelessness, rickshaw pullers, sewer cleaners, disease, unkempt wounds, untreated diseases, and death from preventable infections.


So when people ask us, "how was India?" We often times don't know how to respond. We really can't speak on the country as a whole, but only of our little world.

And Thailand, poor Thailand gets glossed over because, compared to where we had been (India and Morocco), it was nice, easy, clean, accepting, accessible, and "westernized". Is it really? According to a friend or two of mine who have lived there longer than we did, and did not come directly from a TB hospital in India, NO, it is not. It only seemed that way to us.


So just like this spider picture, our stories are only a glimpse of the world from a short focal length in a split-second in time. Looking at this photo you would have no way of knowing that just a few inches over, this identical scene was taking place with another spider and fly. You could not know that the day was beautiful, crystal clear sky, not a cloud in sight, with a light breeze and low humidity. You would never know that just 50 yards away, 12 men lay dieing from a preventable and treatable disease, and that 45 miles down the road lay a HUGE developing and thriving metropolis full of people driving everything from Mercedes and BMW's to Ox carts and rickshaws.


So with that recent knowledge and insight I feel as thought Jess and I need to be especially careful about who and how we talk about the past year. What we saw was so small. Significant, yes, to us at least. But not significant when it comes to having enough experience to be able to talk about a whole country, region, or even city.


I think what we will try and do is simply share some stories. We want to give you just a silhouette of more things that happened, people we met, and places we experienced.



Perhaps we can make you a "fly on the wall", or in this case a "gecko on the bed" for some important events during our past year.


And, perhaps, through all of this, Jess and I can make better sense of the things we have seen, you can gain a better understanding of what happened, and we can do it all without dishonoring the reality or the memory of the people and places that we were.

We hope you stick around to see what happens.

Jake

jake's at work. the kids aren't home. already stalked my other neighbors today. i've already done my job search quota for the day. really should write some of you back (and also write some long over-due thank you notes as well) but thought posting some long over-due pictures tonight would be just as well.

*jake and his dad blowing things up in the yard - what more is there to say*



*in between parents our dear friends at Indian Lake (yes, Indian Lake Papa lives there) threw us a lovely potluck. as an added bonus Krista, a kindred spirit, made a presence from Ohio with a miracle growing inside her belly! with her grandma, Lois, we had a ball together - enjoying the miracles of life.*



*i shared long ago that on our one year anniversary Jake and I became god-parents to a beautiful girl, Amelia Rene - daughter of Richard and Rene (my twinkie). we could not think of a better way to celebrate our first year of marriage together than to celebrate a new life in Christ. we are honored to now be part of a family we so much admire and receive much love (and laughter & sarcasm) from.*



*as an added bonus we were surprised at the baptism celebration with our very own "first anniversary cake" which we demolished in days. thanks Rene.*





*during our time at my parents we were blessed to have a number of good friends come and visit, rest, play, almost drown (wink, wink to you Longenbaughs)... sorry we don't have photos of/for all of you but here are a couple from a day with my dear friend Rona and her three kiddos (Anna, Andrew and Kate).*





*Home, finally.*







*our three-tier homemade dresser*



*our kitchen. yup, that's it.*



*and as an added bonus: although a little side-ways, my husband. all of you who really know him can attest, this is jake at his best.*



still, the best is yet to come.

I know, I know, I keep promising to write stories from our past year, and I have not yet done that. I am sorry.

But in the mean time, read one of the best articles I have seen in a while. It is sassy, and it may hurt a bit, but it is completely true (even his figures and stats).

Orphans Vs. American Dream

Excerpts. And I quote:

According to the American Religious Identity Survey, conducted by the City University of New York, there are over 224 million Christians in the United States. So, why are there 115,000 orphans in a country that has over 224 million Christians?

And again:

Let's break this down further. The Washington Times reports that there are about 65 million evangelicals in America. So, again, why are there 115,000 orphans in America's foster care system? Does this mean that there are 65 million people missing huge sections of their Bibles? Would someone please alert Crossway and Zondervan!

Excellent....

Till next time,
Jake

a good magazine.

some good videos.

although, the previous two points of information are both good, this is even better. This afternoon we attended their end of the summer kids program. These children know joy. They know Jesus.

if only they knew the kids next door.

we'll see what we can do.

I know, two posts in one day.

We now have internet and npr keeps our marriage alive. We listen to it all day long - well, kind of.

On that note: We bought these in Thailand, one kilo for $1.

What a crazy world market we take part in.

idealism and reputation

A couple afternoons ago our landlady, Irene, called my cell phone and asked in I could stop by later in the afternoon to talk.

We really like Irene. At the age of, let's estimate, 81 she is a little rough around the edges but soft on the inside. She essentially lives as a shut-in in her own home. She feeds the stray cats meandering outside on our porch and is grateful for the groceries her daughter bring her every Thurs. She can count on it, it's consistent.

When we moved in her only two requests were that we not smoke or not play any of that, "boom, boom, cha-cha" music. We agreed.

The other afternoon after coming home after a long day of job searching, time with neighbors, etc. we found a small paper bag hung on our doorknob full of fresh tomatoes from her backyard.

She insists that if there is anything we ever need, not to touch or do anything ourselves. She wants to be a good home-maker and provide a good home for us. It is her job, she shares. She wants to keep up the house so "we feel at home."

I was a little nervous about this call though. The kids had started coming around more often, yelling up the alleys, calling our names, walking hard on our floors, etc. One day when we were out Irene shared that she had to stick her head out the window and tell them that if they needed us they needed to come to the front door and knock. Neighbors correcting little visitors can never lead to good things.

So I knocked on her door. She often can be found resting on her davenport paralleling her front window. From here she can see and take note of the daily happenings of life. All of that to say, she was within feet of the door when I knocked and offered me no time to collect myself in between "the nervous knock" and the time of entrance into her home (which I secretly hoped wouldn't happen and that by chance at that particular time in space, she wouldn't be available due to her tight schedule of feeding stray cats in the backyard).

Yet, she was there and I was there. She answered the door within seconds. I smiled and entered with the nervous knocking hand at my side.

After small talk of the weather, her tomatoes, flowers, door-bell issues and promises of a "better October" (obviously, according to her, September is going to be just as much of a bust as August apparently), she brought up the anticipating topic of conversation - the children.

She first asked if I knew of the reputation of the children, their parents, the drugs, yelling, prison terms, etc.

I said yes.

She asked if I knew the police were keeping a watch and eye on their apartment, known as a central drug-trading space.

I said yes.

She asked if I cared at all about my reputation in the community.

I said yes (I'll explain in a minute).

She asked if I thought it is a good idea to be involved with "that" family.

I said yes and this is why.

I shared with her that we do care about our reputation in the community. We want our home, both physically and spiritually, to be a home of peace, safety and rest where others, regardless of age, race, or belief feel welcome. We don't want known and unknown friends to see our relationship with "the others" as a threat (although we know this will happen intendedly and will unfortunately have to deal with the unintended consequences). We're careful still. We moderate the time spent in their home and am careful to hang-out where others can see me. Still, Kaylanie, Destiny, Jermaine, Ethan & Jeremy are His Beloved and there is still time... They're not "gangstas," yet. They're not beyond approach, yet. They're not lost, yet. There is still time.

I shared all this with her.

She smiled and tolerated my idealism.

I think she things I'm crazy.

I think I'm crazy too sometimes.

My brain hurts from performing the tedious task of job-searching online. I have just two photos and no stories for you. These two images represent the rather intense floral patters that inundate our lives as they make up the majority of the flooring in our new apartment.

Not only does the job search hurt my mind, but so does the floral print.

Not surprisingly, Jess loves the floors (along with our pink and peach colored walls).

My Christmas wish is for an area rug...

and a job.














*
What's funny is that we both obliviously had enough of this job searching so much that at the same exact time we glanced over at each other's screen only to see one another up-dating our long-lost blog...

This is what my mind was focused on over the past hour+:
*
anti-glam

I remember the days when I would run the sink on low during the time on was on the toilet so Jake wouldn't hear me if I accidentally "squirted." There were also times when I would use the bathroom as quickly as possible as to not lead Jake on to think that I had some strange bowel issues that would lead me to spend hours on the toilet.

Today (well, actually before today really - but I was just thinking of it today) I grabbed the Sunday newspaper, went in on the toilet and accidentally "squirted" with the door cracked open and no water running to disguise the sounds...

How life changes...

Speaking of which - today we started the job search. Please pray for our sanity and ability to produce and submit quality work, resumes and CVs. That would be a fabulous gift...
*
yeah...

We're sorry. We have been negligent in writing to/for all of you, both here and through e-mails.

Keeping time with friends and family, anticipating moving to Chicago tomorrow/the day after. Hoping that a month (with God's mercy - hopefully less) of unemployment will offer us some down time to get in contact with each of you once again, both here and individually.

Here are a couple pictures of our time with my family, minus pictures of the many times we have gone kayaking down the Chippewa (camera + kayak = bad business) plus ones of our entire family + bride & groom. Welcome Shaun.

P.S. Sorry some of them are sideways... just think of this as a levator scapulae exercise.

The first week we were home we spent time up at our parent's cabin visiting family & relaxing... except during our walk down Ludington Beach where we fought six miles (although dad swears 10) against this fierce and tenacious wind, which, by the way, was trying to take up the lice's job and make rat nests in our hair.

For those of you who know my dad: after 34 years with Kroger, he has decided to retire and has been officially off Kroger payroll since late-June. When all of us girls + hubs. were home we decided to thrown him a small little retirement breakfast. Tonight when we were looking through photos and talking about his surprise he shared, "I got a little choked up." How grateful we all are for him.

Two hours following dad's retirement party we threw a surprise graduation party for Allison. Upon arriving home she shared that two things she would like were a pair of tweezers (for who knows what) and a head lamp (for delivering babies in the dark). Jake, having a soft spot in his heart for both Al & flashlights delivered and surprised Allison with her first baby catching light.

Our family (from L to R) Allison, Sarah & Gil, Mom & Dad, Shaun & Mary + Us.








Shaun's wedding day surprise for Mary = yes, you know it, you're looking at it. Wow is right.





This is only a 3rd (or maybe less) of what was made for this celebration. Don't worry though, Jake is taking good care of the left-overs. Has anyone ever made Aussie Bites? Worthy recipe.

Again, we look forward to hearing each of your voices and/or reading your voice over mail and/or e-mail. We also simply would like to thank our parents for all that they have given us over this past month. Thank you for the lunch money, letting us borrow your cars, time spent in the pool and floating down the river, pizza and most of all for the love you extended to us during this time of transitions. We appreciate you all.

love us

P.S. We also became god-parents again this last week for Amelia Rene. Pictures are on another computer and therefore, will have to wait for another day... how beautiful new birth, both physically and spiritually, is.

Following The Wind

Jess and I just spent a great few days with her family on the West coast of Northern Michigan. One evening we sat down on the shore watching the rather strong wind wreak havoc on the dune flora and coastal trees. It was sunset and while the clouds turned brilliant shades of pastel, the waters faded to deep charcoal blues and greens. I think both of us sat immobile, perhaps transfixed, but definitely deep in thought. I have no idea what Jess was thinking, but I was contemplating a very old question.

Where is the wind going? Where has it been?

That question has been asked countless ways by poets, philosophers, children, scientists, etc. They are searching for beauty, meaning, understanding, and general knowledge. I ask because I feel like this whole past year, and slightly more, Jess and I have been following trails of soft clues blowing in the wind. From meeting one another to getting married; from driving around the US to see loved ones and our great natural abundance to traveling over 4 continents and 8 countries; from working with the destitute in deplorable situations to celebrating with friends in lush paradise-like situations, through all of this Jess and I had no solid plans or itineraries, we just sniffed out the clues from the air, tried to follow the spirit of our hearts, and do life the best we could in our circumstances.

Well, here we are, at the threshold of the one year anniversary of our marriage trying to feel out the wind once again. The three weeks we have had since returning to the US have been, in part, relaxing, but mostly challenging. It is a difficult thing to take eyes and hearts trained for what life is like in Morocco, India, and Thailand, and throw them right back into the US. There are going to be set-backs, heartaches, and probably some headaches. Pile on top of that the need to make decision about the coming year or two and the stress will quite literally make you feel crazy sometimes.

But all that aside, listening, sniffing, and feeling the best we could, Jess and I have reached a decision about our coming year. We have canceled our return tickets to Thailand where I had a good job offer waiting. We decided for the long-term visions and dreams that we have, that was not a good step for us at this time. We have instead decided to move back to the old neighborhood where Jessica lived for a year during her time in Chicago with the inner city ministry organization, Mission Year.

We have an apartment and we are getting my (amazing) old Civic back from the friend who used it for the year we were gone. We are gathering our better clothes, rewriting our resumes, and are headed to Chicago with a purpose. We don't just want Chicago because it is kind of close to home or has good job opportunities or fun stuff to do on the weekends. That stuff is fine, but one thing that this year has shown us is the dire need to be very intentional about our time and efforts.

We are choosing to live in a "bad" part of town because the kids that Jessica knew 3 years ago are still there, they never got to leave. We want to go back, to be with them, and to meet more. We will be living with a wonderful old woman who is now pretty much a shut-in.

Well, we now know where the wind has come from. We can see where we have been together and how we got there. The trick is you just never know where the wind is going. We are doing our best to follow. Right now that is leading us to Chicago.

Jess and I plan on continuing to post here on dirtytoes, so stay tuned. I am sure we will have plenty to write about in coming weeks and months. As for those stories I promised you last post, they are coming too.

Love,
Us

Map-a-licious

There are a number of amazing happenings that Jess and I just never had the chance to write about on this public domain. Sometimes that was due to a lack of computer, a lack of internet, or just a lack of proper motivation. Some time over the next couple of weeks we hope to begin looking through our photos from this past year, recalling stories, and posting them for everyone to read. But until then...

Enjoy our travel map. You can see the key in the upper left-hand corner, but basically red lines designate travel done by airplane, yellow lines show train travel, green lines are personal automobile, and blue is travel done by public bus.

Click to enlarge the map.





P.S. I forgot to draw our last flight from LA to Chicago, and I don't really feel like finishing it now. Just imagine a nice red arc from southern CA to Lake Michigan, and it will all be complete.

P.P.S. Notice how little of the world we actually were in. Pretty humbling.

P.P.P.S. There is lavender massage oil awaiting us upstairs. Gotta go.

One of the many "dichotomies" which I have recently struggled with throughout this past year is large commercial "christian" (not capitalized and in quotes for a reason) music. How honoring it is to Christ to sell millions of albums of music which should be free for ALL the nations to hear regardless of income, language or ethnicity? How much money is spent on christian albums that might better be used for alternative givings? How much time and energies go into preparing, conducting and attending christian music concerts that is stealing time away from us which would be better spent loving our neighbors?

Although I understand that there can and often are a number of most wonderful experiences to come from commercially mass-produced music, I am not quite sure I support it anymore as an industry. I don't know. The reasons are a bit too much to discuss right now BUT the reason I wanted to bring this up at this moment is because at this time I am completely going against what I am coming to believe and suggesting that you kindly watch this video.

During such a time as this...

Thank you Robin.

Note from Dad:

After reading our most recent entry I received this e-mail from my dad and thought it served well as a reminder of how Wal-Mart affects some of our neighbors:

"Jessie Wessie (that's what he calls me),

Mom was showing me your blog, which was nice, but if you do not know it I will tell you we boycott walmart unless we are desperate. He (Wal-Mart) took a third of my business away from the store when he opened up the new one in back of my store, about 30 people lost their jobs at kroger and over a hundred at the meijers. Just to make you smarter,I will give you these facts. He is the worlds largest employer, in which the average employee makes $14,000 a year,and the poverty level in the usa is at $19,000. You have no insurance if you work their unless you have at least 4 years of employment and then you must pay a portion.I will lecture you when you come home.

Love ya Dad"

His facts are correct, and so is his heart. Wal-Mart creates poverty.

I understand the benefits of Wal-Mart as well though. In fact it was just this past week when I spent some time with Grandma in Chicago that she shared that she loves the newly opened Wal-Mart. It is a perfect fit for her limited income and in one trip she can get everything she needs vs. trasping around the city all day to gather what is on her list.

Great, another dichotomy of life to work through.

Ads, TVs, Cereals & Shampoos

I'm sure that you can chalk this one up to cultural shock, but I'm going to pretend that it's not and attribute my thoughts (sorry Rene, I can't stop this whole thinking pattern I have established) to my attempts to make sense of things and learning to establish new ways of living.

It all started with the opening of the Sunday Morning paper and encountering the specific and familiar smell of ad's. Sunday morning ad's. I remember as a kid my sister's and I would sit outside on our screened in porch facing the old barn/garage and clip coupons for my mom from these ad's. Ad's for lunch meat, cheese, dressings, shampoos & soaps, detergent & toothpaste. So many coupons. So many ads from Kroger to Meijer, Target to Wal-Mart, Best Buy to Staples. So many ads for so much stuff.

My friend Erin wrote on her blog recently about her introduction back home (Australia) and the shock of walking through the isle's of a local supermarket and being given such a large selection of mayonnaise. Like Erin, I have been overwhelmed with the mass number of selections available for anything I could ever possibly want and/or need.

In search of a GPS for a friend living overseas we found our way to the electronics section of Wal-Mart yesterday to ask if they sold any hand-held simple GPS units. As we made our way toward the back of the store I was overcome with the number of DVDs for sale, radios to choose from & CDs released. What really stuck me though was the number of TVs. I think I was immune to this circus of parading images surrounding me every time I went shopping before. But for some reason, now it's different. No wonder we're now in an age of limited attention spans. TVs of all shapes, sizes, depths and pixels are available everywhere and scream from up above (at least in Wal-Mart) for my attention. Without even noticing I found myself standing still, eyes pasted until Jake came back from talking with a customer assistant and told me they only sold car GPS units (yes, they are of coarse completely different items - like Cheerios are to Toasted Oats!) and we left.


Speaking of cereals, as we were heading out of Target (still looking for those darn hand held GPSs) I made the mistake of carrying myself down the cereal isle (crap - was that Target of Wal-Mart, I can't remember), and I do mean "carry" because that's exactly what Jake had to do to me as I became overwhelmed with the vast number of selections available for our favorite (well, my favorite) breakfast meal. Strawberry Mini-Wheats! Who knew? I couldn't help but long for the days in India where porridge was our morning cereal selection and bananas were the only topping available. Sure, Jake and I both dreamed at times of sprinkling blueberries on our porridge, but we were always grateful and deeply enjoyed the bananas. Really, how many selections of cereal are necessary and how uncomfortable and/or angry would I get if "they" (whoever "they" are) decided that only 20 particular cereals were necessary and stopped producing the rest? I hate to say it, but if they decided to discontinue the production of Bran Flakes, I think I would be angry. That's sad to me.

(note: I just took a break to make-out with my lovely husband, it was delightful.)

So I just got a hair cut (thank you mother-in-law) for the first time this year. It's short once again and so light. So with new sensitivity towards my hair, as we were walking down the isle (of where, I have no clue - there are running together in my mind now) I noticed the brand new bottles for both Suave and Herbal Essence shampoos! There so beautiful & sleak, colorful & catching, I was a sucker. Not only for the new look for the the vast selections of smells and hair type specific shampoos available. Flat, curly, blonde, brown (did you know they have a shampoo out for only brunettes?), cucumber-melon, strawberry, spit-end, dry, oily - it's all there. In India, for the average citizen, there are a few selections of shampoos to choose from. Most in single use packets, few in bottles. But at the most, a selection of 5-8 would be average to choose from. And still I wonder the same of shampoos as I do of cereals. Is this all really necessary? If not, how disappointed would I be if they discontinued the cheap Lavender Suave I like and decided to only sell the $5.00 a bottle fancy Vidal Sassoon?

Ads, TVs, Cereals & Shampoos. I'm really being challenged since coming back to the States how much of what began to be second nature to me is really necessary in life. How much is luxury? How much is needed to truly live and love others through Christ? I'll attempt my best to taper down on these entries, I promise. In the meantime though, thank you for living through this transition with us. We appreciate it/you.