Thursday, August 30, 2007

i'm not healing.

i thought this awkwardness.
this uneasiness.
these sudden emotional gardens of fury, loss, grief.
this broken walking stick.
unbalanced see-saw.
avoidance.
broken wave of essence.
raging self-forgiveness. injustice. fear. God.
stretching unknowns.
this broken swing-set.
shouting silence.
inspiring curse.

i thought this would all be over by now.
yet, i think it's just beginning.

two sundays ago as we were singing in church.
a song of freedom.
i heard jesus tell me i am no longer free.
instead under the burden of

joys.
pains.
faces.
voices.
touches.
visions.
memories.
witnesses.
anarchies.

i truly am no longer free.
i am hurt.
i am lost.
most all the time.

i need a healer.

p.s. please read my husband's posting below - it's much more enjoyable and truly needed for your eyes after reading my most udder bankruptcy. although i did in fact make myself laugh using the word "udder" instead of "utter".

chuckle.
chuckle.

7 comments:

Robin said...

You made me laugh too Jessica :) I feel your pain though...praying for you!

Love ya,

Robin

Indian Lake Papa said...

Jessica,

Just walk one step at a time, knowing that friends, family and even those who may have never met you are praying for you both. When you come to those "barbwired" fences, be careful crossing them. The cow tried to jump the fence and it was just udder destruction!

Indian Lake Papa

Jake and Jessica said...

that joke really made me laugh more than it should have. udder destruction... ha ha ha :)

Anonymous said...

Jessica,

I love you and God will let you know where he wants you to be. However, I also know that sometimes it's hard to hear him because we wonder if it's him we hear or our own voice. (I feel this all of the time). One thing I have learned about this is that once you make the decision you will either feel at peace with it or not. If you feel peace, go with it and with God, if you don't feel at peace.....RUN the other way because you "have choosen udderly (tee hee hee) wrong."

No matter what you and Jake do, you will be fine, however, you also have to be happy. If you are not finding what you want to do or don't feel what you are doing is right, move on.....that's the joy of who you two are as a couple.

I love you both and pray for you all of the time.

Love,
Rene

Robin said...

Jake and Jessica,

You have been nominated for an award. Go to my (Actions Speak Loudest) blog to see!

Anonymous said...

Really awesome and heartfelt peom. Being real is not easy, and doing it in front of people can often backfire on you.

However, maybe Jesus was trying to tell you that were not free to begin with. You have to dig into those "anarchies", and let Jesus be the one who frees you, not yourself. What do I know, maybe I'm wrong.

cory said...

Jess (and Jake). i know this is the opposite of maybe how i'm supposed to feel after reading this and the last post; but i'm really encouraged. i'm glad that you can't sink back into shallow comfort. i'm glad you still feel pain (although i wish it was less). and i'm glad you can't speak the business lingo. far be it from me to wish suffering on anyone. but that you're receiving burns from the friction between you and madness as you move in different directions is comforting in a not so small way.