So these are my (Jessica’s) most recent thoughts & struggles:
1. I struggle to understand what keeps me from living a life fully committed to Christ. I can’t help but wonder of the change that would come in the world if in the midst of all vehicles of ministry we believe are doing good, those who made a commitment to ministering, truly lived as Jesus lived. I struggle with promoting, teaching, sharing, and presenting a gospel that I don’t fully follow myself. I struggle with wondering what would happen if all who committed their lives to serve you by serving others, truly did just that. I would like to, and often do, rationalize and grasp for reasons not too… but those reasons are getting old and tiresome. What would come from such a movement where people truly dedicated their lives to live like Jesus. A Jesus without a home. A Jesus who endured suffering. A Jesus who carries on in spite of rejection. A Jesus who demonstrated no division between his words, his actions, and his choices. In living not completely like Christ, am I not sinning? Am I becoming too comfortable with rationalized rejection and marginalized suffering?
2. I still struggle to still follow Christ. It’s not because I’m unwilling, unwanting, or uninterested. I think it’s because I don’t think I understand "us" – whomever us may be. I struggle to understand our good-willed ideas, places, roles, desires, reasons, or pleas. Why am I so willing to tag your name to so much of what is the antithesis of what Christ embodied, suffering and rejection? I am often confused as to why it is so easy for me to live under so many deceptive and altered truths. How can I continue to read His Word and not question the way in which I live out my given existence. I am not trapped, so why do I often act like I am. Maybe I am just afraid. Maybe I am too selfish to desire to carry another’s burden. Maybe I’m too afraid of what will happen if I try. Maybe I’m too afraid I’ll hurt them more. Maybe I’m too afraid of hurting myself. Why can I not simply just drink from the cup with the Biblical knowledge that in that specific act, I will become more free in You to hurt.
3. There are parts of me that continually scream to let go of everything and become closer with Christ; closer with others. Yet, what are the costs? Am I willing to daily and diligently engage the sacrifice of the costs? How will these costs play into my marriage? This given marriage. Our plans? His plans for us. I think I am tired of wasting time… I'm not quite sure yet...