Friday, October 13, 2006

So these are my (Jessica’s) most recent thoughts & struggles:

1. I struggle to understand what keeps me from living a life fully committed to Christ. I can’t help but wonder of the change that would come in the world if in the midst of all vehicles of ministry we believe are doing good, those who made a commitment to ministering, truly lived as Jesus lived. I struggle with promoting, teaching, sharing, and presenting a gospel that I don’t fully follow myself. I struggle with wondering what would happen if all who committed their lives to serve you by serving others, truly did just that. I would like to, and often do, rationalize and grasp for reasons not too… but those reasons are getting old and tiresome. What would come from such a movement where people truly dedicated their lives to live like Jesus. A Jesus without a home. A Jesus who endured suffering. A Jesus who carries on in spite of rejection. A Jesus who demonstrated no division between his words, his actions, and his choices. In living not completely like Christ, am I not sinning? Am I becoming too comfortable with rationalized rejection and marginalized suffering?

2. I still struggle to still follow Christ. It’s not because I’m unwilling, unwanting, or uninterested. I think it’s because I don’t think I understand "us" – whomever us may be. I struggle to understand our good-willed ideas, places, roles, desires, reasons, or pleas. Why am I so willing to tag your name to so much of what is the antithesis of what Christ embodied, suffering and rejection? I am often confused as to why it is so easy for me to live under so many deceptive and altered truths. How can I continue to read His Word and not question the way in which I live out my given existence. I am not trapped, so why do I often act like I am. Maybe I am just afraid. Maybe I am too selfish to desire to carry another’s burden. Maybe I’m too afraid of what will happen if I try. Maybe I’m too afraid I’ll hurt them more. Maybe I’m too afraid of hurting myself. Why can I not simply just drink from the cup with the Biblical knowledge that in that specific act, I will become more free in You to hurt.

3. There are parts of me that continually scream to let go of everything and become closer with Christ; closer with others. Yet, what are the costs? Am I willing to daily and diligently engage the sacrifice of the costs? How will these costs play into my marriage? This given marriage. Our plans? His plans for us. I think I am tired of wasting time… I'm not quite sure yet...

1 comment:

mindy said...

I've printed this and am posting it either on my fridge, puting it in the basket in my bathroom (I'll poop and pray for ya...I know you'd love that)...or in "the room" where I do most of my thinking/praying. I love and miss you so much. You ARE doing good in the name of Christ, I'm sure of it.