i don't have an oven.

i also don't have a four burner stove. i have a stove but it's one of those plug in, quick find, hot plate stoves that colleges warn you about and sometimes ban due to their tendency to start fires.

what i do have is this: i have a rusty and stained kitchen sink. and it's not only the sink - it's the entire structure that rusty = looking as if jake & i haven't wiped it down in years leading to dripped, strained, unattended to pure neglectful rust.

i also have a brown/maroon & off-white flowered linoleum (or what use to be) kitchen floor. there really is not a word for it besides gross.

after over two years of living here and vacuuming on a quite regular basis (because although you would think that because of the variety of colors in our carpet nothing would show - everything shows) we are STILL, yes still, vacuuming up cat hair and a variety of treats left for us to enjoy from the previous tenant.

jerk.

i've been ruminiating in my mind over and over again over the past month about the role of this blog and whether or not we should continue keeping it up (which if the past is any evidence of the future - we really stink at this whole blogging thing). the only times i feel energy calling me to write is when i'm in a lull or energy and/or spirit. other times i just want to keep what is circling around us/me sacred. hold it tight. not let anyone in.

this is the conundrum - i don't want this to be a dumping ground for that which is sore, sad, static, sorry. there are so many friends out there who fill their blogs with love, amazing energy, fantastic insights, laughter & connections to a bigger world. i am not one of these. but i want to be one of these. yet - that is just not what/who i am at this keyboard.

so i'm trying to figure out what to do with all of this.

i tried posting pictures of our vacation (2 weeks in Aug.) but stopped mid-way. this time away was a very sacred and important time in our marriage and i secretly (not so secretly any longer) don't want to let anyone in.

i thought about posting pictures (a proven practice - everyone loves pictures and not many like uncomfortable weighty conversations, trust me - i've been told.) of my motorcycle accident but most pictures are nude-like (although very very awesome).

i entertained the idea of sharing stories from the neighborhood (and my, oh my - are there many!) but writing about woes and others personal stories has begun to feel like exploitation to get into Heaven.

i even entertained the idea of "work talk" on this public forum - but who knows who is out there and i wouldn't want it getting back to the young and old ones alike that i can't handle it any longer and how deeply i long to quit, move to the country, grow me a lot of peaches and rest in the magnificent glory of God.

i spoke with a dear and precious friend this afternoon who was encouraging and challenging me to seek what is good, true, honest, and right with God.

what i really want to do is bake and eat my troubles away.

which leads me to the fact that we don't have an oven and tonight this is a major, major problem.