one year anniversary of making a big mistake.

it was one year ago today that i took this job - Program Director (it still sounds kind of sexy to me).

three evenings ago (in the midst of another breakdown) jake and i were chatting, dining, comiserating, comforting, laughing and enjoying. then out of the blue he throws out the big idea of regret.

"When we moved here we had it right," he says. " but somewhere along the way we lost that."

now - i have to say, we haven't totally gone against everything we believe in. in taking a quick inventory (although i have been thinking about this for quite some time now) of how we currently spend our time, energy, etc. (really, who doesn't do this? - is it pretentious to ask that?) we found that when things, ideas, relationships, and energy started finding themselves headed in the wrong direction was one year ago when i took this job.

get this: when we moved to chicago we were hell bent on not working more than 5 miles from our home (we would only extend it a few miles if absolutely needed). this was (is) great! i rode my bike to work everyday, i went to work early for peace and prayer, i left work at 5:00pm and was home by 5:17pm. i was able to spend the entire day with those who i love most and was challenged most by. i spent evening with friends. i didn't do weekends. i laughed all the time. i had wonderful (& feisty) co-workers who i had growing and frustrating relationships with. it wasn't always peaches and creme but i could always see peaches growing and watch the creme churning.

on that note: i also was forced into participating (on various levels) in some unethical practices - which is why i made the decision to leave in the first place. i am all about the loving & helping & doing it in a professional manner that empowers the clients, their families and society. i am not all about manipulation, taking advantage of the poor, and not offering quality service in the name of ego and and pride. so i left.

i left for a job (with a bit more money and a bit more prestige) 22 miles away in the western burbs. i left addicts for children (whom are not that different if i say so myself) and traded in counseling for management. i went from working 40 hrs. to 55-60 on any given week. i traded an 8a-5p work day to a 7a-6:30p day. i received life and exercise from riding my bike to work and now find myself in the car over 2 hours daily commuting and traveling (and there is so much more i hate about this outside of the time commitment). we went from having friends over on a very regular basis to almost the extinction of hospitality in our home.

compared to one year ago - i am a much much more unhealthy person than i was one year ago.

this is the thing though - now i am aware. right (please affirm here)? not all is lost, this year (which is going on it's 2nd go around - gotta be the sugar mamma through June 2010) i am setting boundaries, hoping for less chaos and a lot less of people who create chaos. i have the program up and running with materials ready, management of resources and people and kids in place.

there is still much (actually more than much but i'm choosing not to make a list right now) more to do but i feel confident in this coming year.

so tonight i will drink a mike's pink hard lemonade, say cheers to a year gone by and look toward this coming year as a hopeful year of bringing myself, my relationship with others, my relationship with God, and my relationship with Jake into a right and healthy relationship once again.

so save the date - September 15th, 2010 we're going to celebrate in high style a year of healthy living. the mike's pink hard lemonade will be on me.

what can i say, i'm on a journey kick lately.