Sunday, September 27, 2009


today jake and i had a discussion. one of those discussions that you hate but find necessary to have. those kind of discussions that if halted leave one (when i say "one" know that i really mean me) often feeling anxious, hurt, wondering and a little too vulnerable.

it's one of those discussions that often starts out with a sense of innocent insecurity which when aggravated will (and does - trust me) grow, fester, bubble and turn hot - and not the kind of "hot" one wants in their relationship with their partner. am i alone here?

so jake sped ahead on his bike and i putzed in anger as we began our trek to the water (ahhhhh - never leave me fresh beautiful water). eventually catching up to him i greeted him with a "why are you acting like an asshole". note to self - that is not the best, most mature, or loving way to greet someone after a moment of anger. what can i say - i was really, really angry and hurt. i at least said it in a calm manner - does rationalizing and justifying take wrong words back?

from there we had a discussion, if you will.

one of those discussions that when you're committed to the process, is life giving, rewarding, encouraging, engaging and healing. i am assuming when not committed to the process (or the person) leaves you feeling all of those experiences mentioned above (anxious, hurt, wondering and a little too vulnerable).

three years in we are finding that we are having those discussions more often as we try to negotiate who we are as partners during this season in our relationship.

it's a difficult thing when you're running around trying to beat traffic (ahhhhh - please leave me chicago traffic), studying for the next exam, making dinner, preparing breakfast, visiting neighbors, trying to sleep and attempting to have life giving relationships with God and friends outside of marriage.

really - sometimes this marriage/partnership is simply annoying. discussions take time. showing another person love takes time (and energy and creativity that i often lack because i don't take the time). engaging in the process of love takes precious, sacred time.

this is the thing though - i have a committed partner. i have a partner who, through honesty will work (and stubbornly force me not to avoid) and wade through really "assholish" moments, feelings, and life seasons. i have a partner who is committed to the discussions and processes of learning how to be a better partner which brings me/us life, is rewarding, encouraging, engaging and healing.

so, although discussions do take time - i'm here today to say that they are worth every annoying moment of it, when working through it together as partners committed to the process.


Alissa said...

good for you for having your "discussions". it's great you have a partner who is committed to having these talks. marriage is hard work, but i know you two can make it. you've been around the world together for crying out loud. if you can spend that amount of time together and not kill each other you can make it through anything.

just take a few deep breaths, step away from the world together for a bit and renew your relationship if you can. love you both!

oh-did you notice jake has freakishly long toes? lol!

cory said...

i love you both.

that is all.

Rachel said...

Sometimes I have the instinct not to talk. In fact, I'm in a phase where I don't want to talk much. There are reasons for that. I'm starting to learn that it's bad for me to do that sometimes. I'm cutting out the world.

This is an extra-stressful and/or demanding time for you both.

Remember that.

PrincessMax said...

I recently followed a link from a commenter who said something I liked. When I got to her site that was purportedly about "real marriage" one of the tops posts was one where she claimed that all these people who said marriage was hard work were wrong. If you love each other, it should be easy. If it's not easy, you just don't love each other enough. I closed out that window without regret, noticing on my way out that she was 23 years old.

I like the two of you much more.

Rachel said...

ha! Wait till puberty finishes up for that girl and her husband.

Then let's talk about "easy".

Christin said...

You talked about your marriage in this post with beautiful language (even the "Asshole" part). And, you really clinched it when you talked about having a committed partner. It's about committment. Good for you for facing your issues head on and having "discussions." Too many dont' have the discussions necessary (I'm guessing whoever that 23 year old girl who said marriage is easy is one of those people). I love you both.

Jake and Jess said...

we have such lovely friends...