sorry about the deep-press.

i'm going to have to try something new.

in the 12 step program they give this definition of insanity - "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

summary - i'm insane. really.

i have to force myself to rest. i also really need to force myself to blog more often - when things are good. not deep-pressing. sorry about that, i'll do better. Insha'Allah.

i've been feeling whipped lately. i think it's all part of a greater pulse pressing on all sides, beginning to vibrate all that i have found makes me who i am.

i haven't figured anything out yet but i figured this: i am still grieving. ugh.

i believe i have shared this not so profound thought before, but after my melt-down on saturday, with it's fresh pain still a little too close for comfort, i figured it may be worth it to mention it once again.

so with that "once again..." let me give a little e-d-u: probably the most well-known authors who speaks of grief might be from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross who wrote "On Death and Dying." in it, she identified five stages that a dying patient experiences when informed of their terminal prognosis.

the stages Kubler-Ross identified are as follows:

stage 1 ± denial - check. "i'm not crazy. everyone else thinks this way, don't they? please, someone tell me i'm not alone in all this. please tell me you think these thoughts too. please!"

stage 2 ± anger - check. "why do i feel so absolutely crazy?!? why do i hate cars, hate money, hate clothes, dishes, the availability of water, the abuse of energy, the bickering of intellects, the idols of fashion. why do i feel angry simply allowing myself to be angry!"

stage 3 ± bargaining - check. "maybe i won't feel so ape if i give all my money away, make all my own clothes, eat only what's 99 cents or below & give all my time to my neighbors. yeah! that's it! let the craziness be gone!"

stage 4 ± depression - check. "i'm done. i still feel unhinged & unzipped, nutty & unbalanced. why do i care so deeply but feel like it's slowly destroying me. ugh. i'm done."

stage 5 ± acceptance - check. "saturday. not fully here yet but feeling more at rest with where He has me at this time. still feeling a little unstable, but i guess that comes with the territory of me allowing the messiness of Christ's blood to flow inside me."

although i'm not dying (thank you God - although let it be known I would be okay if i was...i think) i, thanks to the help of pastor Guizar, have come to discover once again that life is just one continuous messy sequence of events & experiences that dance in the abyss of celebration & grief. time and time again. we all are in a constant state of celebration & grief. not just to be pinned on those who are physically dying or grieving the loss of someone who has physically died, but everyone who breathes & loves, letting their bodies, soul, heart and mind experience life to it's fullest capacity, which i - by the way, have by no means done.

on that note: it's a grilled cheese and tomato soup night and my beloved is due home soon.