dirt & paint

our neighbor Elaine often shares that she is perfectly okay with her home being dirty. and it is. dust bunnies, caked on dirt in corners and untouched spaces, dust, plaque, and various pieces of collections and shit (as her husband John likes to call it) everywhere.

you would think that with this self awareness of how dirty ones home is would lead one to clean their home. if you think that - which i totally do - you think wrong. this is the deal - Elaine's mom was a cleanaholic. she cleaned everything all the time, everywhere. even places where no one would think to look (i.e. under the bedroom dressers, in the cabinets under the bathroom sink - you all know you don't often clean these space, come on!). Elaine reasons her lack of cleaning desires by rationalizing sharing that she did enough cleaning in her younger years (through force from mom) to fill her for a lifetime. reason enough i guess.

i have this thing about our nasty apartment home. there is no way i could be like Elaine's mom in this apartment. i would literally go insane. i know i've mentioned this in previous posts, but bear with me for a moment if you will.

i think the reason i have been recently fixated on our home not being "clean" or welcoming is because of it's lack of cleanliness - or should i say presenting lack of cleanliness because we clean & wash with regularity - but the crap & plaque on the walls just won't come off!. it really drives me crazy sometimes because i feel (again - please feel free to affirm the insanity here) as though our home is not welcoming because it is so, so... sticky. which in the end makes it not feel like a "home" to us.

the hot pink, peach, yellow and baby blue walls are not our own; the ready-made furniture with holes, stains, and flaws (with the exception of the computer desk) are not our own; the beds that make a ridiculous amount of noise every time we have sex is not our own; the plastic & wooden dressers that don't match, stack or really serve the storing purpose are not our own; the fake marble shelves are not our own; and well, most everything else is not our own either.

it does not represent us, who we are, what we love, or how we would live if we were to walk into an empty space and make it our own. something that defines us, identifies us, or welcomes us and others home at the end of some very long days.

now, don't get me wrong here. i know that my/our identity is not in our home and who knows if we will ever feel at home in a structure with walls. i am aware that in feeling this way there is a part of me that simply just needs wants affirmation from others that we have a cool place that represents us, welcomes them and is comfortable for all. i totally get this and the fact that i am, in fact, looking for affirmation in the wrong place.

still, our home is nasty. so - for all: we took pictures and did a little work today (after going to get dunkin' coffee).

who was this guy who lived here? did he EVER clean?

after our paint job -
we're still deciding if we really like the color or not.
i think i may be leaning toward yes.

this is the thing - Elaine & John's home is one of the most welcoming homes i have been in. you (okay - i) notice the dust bunnies floating around, the dog hair all over the couch, the dust building on their pez collection, frog collection, spoon collection, thimble collection, video collection (you get the point) - but what you really notice is the dinner cooking on the stove, your favorite snack (monga bread!) waiting for you in the cookie jar and the soda (such a treat!) in the freezer getting cold just for you.

i'm hoping that this paint job will help affirm me in my need to have a clean house and make the best of this temporary home(?) here. i will try to follow in Elaine's footsteps and not base my worth and ability to provide a welcoming home based on the cleanliness (or presenting cleanliness) of our home(?). but maybe this paint job will help me in this.

p.s. you should also know that Elaine & John's bathrooms are super super clean all the time. that's John's thing and he does it well.