recovery.

step one - we admitted we were powerless over drugs and alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

three weeks ago the kids from next door stopped coming over. their mom recently got a significant settlement (from who knows where for who knows what, not many seem to know) and decided it was time to seek independence and self-sufficiency for her and her family. therefore, she, her husband and their five children all moved into a beautiful apartment two blocks away. the week of their move i spent time with Mari, sitting in her new dining room chatting about the changes that were about to unfold, the hope that i had for her and her family, the potential growth and peace that may manifest itself through the simplicity of being together. ahh... the potential their home has to be a home of safety, growth, family!

but when this all happened, the kids stopped coming over as much. in fact, they barely come over at all anymore. they call, but often times it's just to say hi.

four weeks ago eddie called us and shared with us that he was on the brink of buying himself a used car. with a suspended license and a significant amount of money to pay in retribution, we feared the manifestation of this decision. that week we saw it sitting there though, a gray old hoopti that had been spruced up for the sale. we use to spend our saturdays with eddie, shopping, having taco bell dates, going out to buy his cigarettes at half price only to turn around and sell that double that price to neighbors. ahh... the independence he must feel to now be able to do it all on his own!

when all this happened though, eddie stopped calling as much. in fact, he doesn't really call at all anymore. once in awhile, but just to say hi.

the snow presents to be coming to it's end. i've been surprised before - early april blossoms and snowflake randevus. it's been a difficult february though, and i'm beginning to enjoy the potential of march.

this time of detox from neighbors and the agony of february presents to be ceasing though, and the early budding presents to give promises of growth and freedom on a more consistent basis.

therefore, i'm going into recovery. it's time for a renewal.

step one - we admitted we were powerless over drugs and alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

it sounds silly, i know. i'm not an active drug or alcohol user - although the potential is there. i'm not an active shopper, eater or sexer - although the potential is there. i'm simply tired of the chaos in my head and more specifically, tired of the conditional love, rules and regulations i have placed between me and God.

entering into recovery. the date of admission: march 3rd, 2008.

no longer am i going to hide in:
guilt
shame
masks
motivation
intentions
rituals
or comforts

no longer am i going to let these protestant sins, women bent, culture induced mental rituals:
control me
hide me
wither me
erase me
bury me

the compilation of this body, soul, mind and heart that God created was meant to enjoy.

i have decided i'm going to begin embracing the shame that binds
hold the guilt that is possessive and inflexible
rock the lonely masks of betterment
cradle the crying motivations
let good intentions with no demonstration wither inside
savor the destructive rituals and comforts.

therefore, i am going to begin to swim out of them.
i'm going to begin to swim deeply
exercise large strokes
breathe carefully
kick wildly
allowing God to touch, heal and enjoy every part of me.

i am powerless of so much of what i have let control me and infiltrate this tainted, once pure, mind. i have let these thoughts and life practices become unmanageable to the point of semi-paralysis.

step one - we admitted we were powerless over drugs and alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

today i admit, i am in some serious need of thought and life practice restructuring.

what's beautiful though is that i feel safe. safe and free to do so.